I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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