How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
