He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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