its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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