I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
