sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
