Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
last night I used snow as a chaser
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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