can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
