You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
