I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
