who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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