every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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