i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
