mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
