Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
