just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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