Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize