Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
