I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
