Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
