I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
