We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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