I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
