The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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