I molested 6 butterflies tonight
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
