I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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