drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
