im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my shit smells like andre
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
