My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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