The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Randomize
