I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
