How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
