Is it normal to miss your booty call?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
