She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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