Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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