Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
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