Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
