I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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