I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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