I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
