Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
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It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
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Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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