I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
