I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome