So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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