We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Actions speak louder than pants.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
