I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
