They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
