There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
