Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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