Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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