Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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