In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
