And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
