just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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