Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
